Uhhhhh……….Doh!

How many of you saw, heard or even remember Jerry Seinfeld’s “stupid sign” schtik? Anyway, it follows the thought of giving stupid folk a sign to hold up so others can recognize them a bit easier. Like the dude who pulls his fishing boat up to the jetty and a fellow sitting on the edge looks into the boat and says “hey, you catch all them fish”? The dude looks up and says “Nope, they just gave up and jumped in!! Here’s your sign”.So why am I telling you all about Seinfeld’s stupid sign? Well, I’m dying to hear about all the signs that the dirt bikers are carrying. No, serious, seh….rih…uhhhs!!! We swagger around the local hangout after a ride with stories about the big-air jump, the extra-long wheelie, the way we managed to choon the scoot so well that nothing in its class will catch it, etc, etc. Full of the “big-deal” we are, all of us! But we also do some really dumb things that we don’t shout out about. I say share the laughs, we need to share the fun (and learn a couple simple lessons perhaps in the process).Now I, as it happens, with my experience and connection with such a vast array of dirt biking buddies, have a bunch of tales to share. So let’s begin with the handing out of signs……..Number one on my list goes to a living legend that almost everybody that rides a dirt bike in South Africa knows: Smokin’ John “Mooford” Morford. I’m not going to go into the story of how he got to be called “Smokin’”, but for those very few of you who don’t know how John’s surname was changed from Morford to Mooford………. John managed to ride into a cow, that he saw from 200m away, so fast that he hit it straight off its hooves! John, to where can I post your sign?Another fantastic story goes something like this: We were parked at one of our favourite mid-ride watering holes where one of us decided that his new 400 4-banger KTM wasn’t performing quite as it should be. Said party promptly proceeded to remove his spark plug, and then do “something”??? with a small socket attached to handle inside his cylinder. One ponders what the thought process actually was…….specially when aforementioned small socket fell off aforementioned handle into aforementioned cylinder thereby ending aforementioned ride for the day (of course after the bike had been turned upside down among other things in an attempt to remove the socket) for the person in question. Uhhhmmmm, John, do I post to the same address as the first sign buddy?Before I continue, I must apologise to John. This is not a be-mean-to-John piece. He’s a good buddy, and believe it or not, a great dirt biker. He just does sign-deserving things sometimes.But, moving right along, how many of you have done this? You get your kit on. You unload your bike from the trailer. You start the bike. It runs (only if the throttle is held pretty wide open) for the first couple of minutes. It may or may not start intermittently thereafter, but it certainly won’t run. You check everything. You strip stuff down. You check really deep. No joy. You pack up and, rather dejectedly, head home. Whether you uncover the problem in your workshop at home or your mechanic finds it for you is immaterial. Nothing will ever get you over the feeling of absolute idiocy when the problem is the rag you left in your airbox to block your carb during cleaning. What’s even worse is the fact that you reinstalled a clean air filter on top of it!!! Yeah, yeah, my sign is hanging up somewhere.Ok, don’t all shout out at once, but I will lay odds that 99% of you have a sign for the next one. Half way up a hill after a break. A km or two into the trail at full speed……after a break. Crossing a river……………shortly after a break. Basically doing stuff requiring being up in the band to complete an immediate task and what happens? The bike stalls! You have no idea why. You try kick starting it until you are blue in the face. Your buddy tries to kick it for a bit to no avail. You try push starting…….no joy! Just before you decide to tow, just after much muttering and cursing, you realize that during your break you……………………turned your fuel off! Send me your addresses, signs are being printed.And we have all done, or had someone in our crew do, the old faithful. Fill your bike up on the way to the ride and forget to put the fuel cap back on the tank. I can list at least 10 different ways I’ve seen a makeshift petrol cap put into play.My final sign goes out to the dude that says “Hey, check it out, I just bought a quad………”Just kidding!!! I’ll see y’all in the dirt. Keep the shiny side up and ride it like you stole it.Steve “Tombstone” Lauter